Fuddruckers and the Bloody Veggie Burger Soaked in Beef Fat

The other day my wife and I were talking about restaurants.  Since she is from New York and I am from Chicago, we often find ourselves asking each other, “did you have a ‘such-and-such’ growing up?” I’ve always enjoyed these chats because I get to learn about places like Carvel Ice Cream and I get to tell her about Portillo’s.  Anywho, we were having one of these “did you have?” chats the other day and we found ourselves talking about Fuddruckers.  When she said the name “Fuddruckers”  I immediately cringed and thought about my last visit to a Fuddruckers in Naperville, Illinois about 18 years ago. Continue reading “Fuddruckers and the Bloody Veggie Burger Soaked in Beef Fat” »

642: Ten Euphemisms for Sex

My latest 642 entry.

  1. Texarkana Two-Step
  2. Clown Wrestling
  3. Cornelius Von Organ-Grinding
  4. Headboard Tennis
  5. The Long Two Minutes
  6. Mattress Turbulence
  7. The Adventures of Tickle-berry Hound
  8. Competitive Grunting
  9. Emilio Estevez (ya know, because you don’t discuss him in polite company either)
  10. The Right Honorable

Flash Fiction Contest

I’ve been spending a lot of time on Twitter this week (you can follow me @timothyquirin).  While poking around Twitter I found this fun little flash fiction contest on AllTwitter.  Here are a few of my entries:

  • Tom studied his last text. Am I being noncommittal he thought? *ding* Her response was piercing, “only two boxes of Thin Mints?”
  • It was a terribly awkward moment for Satan. He hadn’t bought a decent soul in years. It was not the time for his pen to run dry.
  • Her devilish grin began to rise. She eyed the new girl like a bloodthirsty pirate about to plunder the Good Ship Lollipop.
  • Rachel loosened her grip on the crimson curtain. As it slipped closed, her feelings for Harrison peaked and began to recede.

642: Write Facebook Statuses for the Year 2017

This is part of my 642 series:

-The plasma beacon in my iPhone 9 is totally gorbled.  I’m going to miss the free hologram concert in Millennium Park.

-Justin Bieber has not aged well since the divorce.

-Just lost a bet, Abe Vigoda is still alive and doing well.

-Raccoon Fever is going to make Swine Flu look like a hiccup.

-Obviously, NASA identifying a species of crabs on Mars is amazing, but what do they taste like with drawn butter?

-Do these plastic pants make my ass look big?

-Remember hipsters and their old timey mustaches?

-Fiscal Armageddon?  I remember when it was just a cliff.

-I lost count, which Kardashian husband is this?  Like the seventh?

-RIP Best Buy, I’ll remember you as the big box store that smelled like sadness.

 

“Gastronomique, a Dish Soap Opera” Episode Two: Popcorn Interrupted

The electric kettle felt uneasy at the crime scene.  Hours earlier he was proudly reporting to the mayor that appliance-on-appliance crime was at a record low in the kitchen.  He was unusually cocky during the meeting, now as he looked at the egg timer lying on his side,  he was getting the taste of crow in his spout.

“OK!  I need everyone to move back, this is a crime scene!” barked the juicer. As the electric kettle’s only deputy, he was easily excited over actual crime in the small kitchen.  He gestured to a gathering crowd of appliances quietly gawking at the carnage.

Noticing his gruff demeanor, the electric kettle calmly told the juicer, ”take it easy, Juicer.  Just keep them away from any potential evidence.”

“You got it, Constable,” replied the eager juicer.

Turning his attention back to the egg timer, the electric kettle cleared his spout and began to inquire, ”so what can you tell me Salad Spinner.  How do you know it’s murder?” Continue reading ““Gastronomique, a Dish Soap Opera” Episode Two: Popcorn Interrupted” »

642 Things to Write About

In early December, my wife got me a pre-Christmas gift of sorts.  We were walking through Blick’s (an art supply store) and she stopped at a table stocked with assorted books.  Among them was a book titled, “642 Things to Write About” by the San Francisco Writers’ Grotto.  I was looking at some other knick-knack at the time, so she got my attention by reading off some of the topics. I’m not sure if she just got lucky, but the handful of topics she read off quickly got my attention.

I’m hoping to use the suggestions to shake off my writer’s block.  So, from time-to-time, I am going to post one of my “642″ entries here on the blog.  Additionally, since I believe in “take a penny, leave a penny,”  I’ll end each post with an original “thing to write about.”

Now, doesn’t that sound like fun?

Obviously, I am not the first to blog about this book nor am I the to post an entry inspired by it’s contents (a quick Google search found this tumblr site), but it’s going to help me get my writing muscle back in shape.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to work on a “642″ entry right now.

 

“Gastronomique, a Dish Soap Opera” Episode One: Indignant Toaster

It was about three in the morning when the toaster began to rouse the other appliances, with his cantankerous ramblings.

“And who do you think you are, sitting next to me on the counter and across from Mayor Coffee Maker himself?”

The gelato machine didn’t know what to make of the toaster’s question.  But he could tell from the tone that the toaster wasn’t going to like his answer…no matter what it was.

“Oh leave him alone, he’s new to our little kitchen,” said the Mayor.  ”Tell me son, where were you born?”

Sensing a friendly tone from the coffee maker, the gelato machine replied to the coffee maker, “I was assembled in a factory in Florence, Italy.  Although, truth be told, my parts are mainly from India, China, and Taiwan.”

“Great, another foreigner,” bellowed the toaster.  ”You see this sticker on my crumb tray, it says ‘Made in the U.S.A.’” Continue reading ““Gastronomique, a Dish Soap Opera” Episode One: Indignant Toaster” »